Time Looping for Lovers and Holidate Skipping

heartAs Valentines Day arrives in your home timeline, some of you will be making preparations to make the day special. Romantics sometimes like to loop the day in order to make it perfect. Time looping for lovers is a longstanding tradition. Just be careful to take precautions not to loop independently of each other, as this will almost certainly end in a heartbreak paradox.

Those of you not involved and without romantic prospects for the day, may feel tempted to time travel right over the holidate. This may feel less sad than napping in your sweatpants all day, but, alas, it is not.

Flipping the dial to the 15th is not a solution for loneliness. There is nothing to be learned by taking a pass. You might feel it is not worth growing a day older to suffer through a solo valentines day, but you don’t know what is coming unless, of course, you  have traveled along your future timeline and seen it — which would mean you’ve already skipped the day, and whatever opportunity it held, and written it off to an alternate timeline in which a different version of yourself had the courage to see it through. You won’t know who you might meet tomorrow, unless you see the day.

Of course, you are not prohibited from blanking the 14th, anymore than romantic couples are prohibited from looping it again and again (though anything more than three loops is gouache). It has been suggested by some that the two practices cancel each other out and bring space-time into balance, but that hardly seems in the spirit of adventure of a true time traveler.

 

 

Posted in Cautionary Tales

Jet Packs and Class Structure

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Rass Silvian (Q42)  just completed a three-year study on the use of jet packs in contiguous, current realities. What he found may come as little surprise to those who have thought through the logistics of jet packs. It will disappoint those with romantic notions of a retro future with people happily whizzing about from place to place via personal jet packs.

In the Y17 and Y18 timelines, jet packs are used with alarming frequency in the streets of most American, European and African cities. Silvian writes: “The timelines at first look charming, like a Steampunk’s dream: all gleaming brass metal and flying men. As you look up to see it, however, you are scalded in the face and pressed to the ground by the thrusters of a passing commuter.”

There is no way around the physical fact that a jet pack must apply equal or greater force than the weight it lifts. Even a petite business woman in a sleek, lightweight transport will surge over the ground with a hundred pounds of hot, steaming pressure.

A little observation reveals that all these cities are deeply stratified. “The wealthy whirl through the air, enjoying a full three dimensions of freedom, while the poor are left cowering and parboiled in the streets.

Silvian observes 18 cataloged timelines in which jet packs are used as a frequent method of transport. All have highly caste-like social structures and all reserve the privilege of jet pack flight for the affluent elite. The wealthy in these timelines (and many more) simply don’t care what happens to the people beneath them. One be-monocled gentleman even made a game of making beggars scramble beneath him as he enjoyed an egg sandwich and jetted across Plottsdam Park in London.

He writes: “It is as if the adoption of this method of travel, with its promise of independence and personal freedom, has lead to a complete lack of empathy, or consideration for the welfare of the greater society. Either that, or the cruelty of the jet pack has made these sociopathic tendencies manifest in the streets of this world.”

Silvian goes on to note that the wider environmental impacts of jet packs are devastating, with extremely high Co2 emissions and ozone depletion. He also notes that 8 of the visited realities are divergents from a Nazi-centric timeline (Y17:NOA1946:51) where Germany won the Second World War. “The callous use of jet packs,” he says, “are a perfect symbol of the modern Nazi, allowing him to travel in a style that reflects his egocentric need to exert superiority, while maintaining his classic Nazi banality in the face of his own cruelty.”

Silvian suggests explorers of these “Jet Pack Timelines” are best advised to approach with caution and a heat dissipating umbrella.

 

Posted in Academics, Alternative Timeline, Blog, Feature

I Like to Ask About the Future

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I am fascinated by what people imagine the future will be. They are wrong in various degrees, usually because they lack the scope of hindsight, and overcompensate by exaggerating whatever is socially or technologically current. It is easy to look on predictions from the past with condescending amusement, but I think it is a good lesson to remind us how flawed and unsophisticated our own predictions invariably are.

A good example comes from Herman Memont, a gentleman who, at 20 years of age in 1740, told me that he imagines the future holds a better way of carving trails and keeping them level so horses may travel with much greater speed and efficiency. He believes that a hundred years hence (1840) that half the world shall have seen fit to convert to a Presbyterian Church. He also imagines that new metals shall be discovered, easier to forge and to the great benefit of men working the lands. I should also mention he also says every good man will have two dark and obedient slaves to work these metal wonders. This shouldn’t have been a surprise to me, but I think my look, an arched eyebrow, may have given away something of what I thought of this unfortunate aspect of the past.

Last week, I was speaking with a representative from 2118 when I inadvertently mentioned a delicious BLT I’d have for lunch.

Bacon, Lettuce and Tomato?” he asked an eyebrow arched.

I worry now that perhaps in the future people don’t eat meat and I am seen as some dull savage.

Posted in Blog, Feature

Open for Questions

Time Travel QuestionsThe Board of the International Union of Time Travelers has agreed to take 3 questions from non-time-travelers or other persons curious about, but not active in, temporal mechanics or multiverse exploration. Questions regarding cheese desserts, prognostication, typographical errors and Chuck Norris will be rejected out of obvious necessity to maintain the integrity of this blog, and the fabrical illusion of contiguous cause and effect.

If you would like your question answered, please ask it clearly and politely in the comments below. Each question will be answered as time allows.

 

Posted in Alerts

Frank Sinatra Posthumously Sued

Here is an odd little story from the ever litigious timeline Q11L1973:

Frank Sinatra posthumously sued in a class action suit by people who made it in New York, but not elsewhere.

The Estate of Frank Sinatra has been sued by a class of actors, dancers, musicians and waiters who all met with some measure of success in New York, but failed to make it anywhere else. The suit names both Frank Sinatra, his estate and the estate of the late Fred Ebb who wrote the lyrics to the song New York, New York.

The group is demanding to be compensated for the income they would have made if they had made it in other locations. Boston, L.A. and Guam were specifically named in the suit. The Sinatra Estate has responded saying that the members of the class had failed to play “Misty” for Mr. Sinatra despite numerous requests, and as such had entered into no sort of agreement with him.

 

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Posted in Alternative Timeline, Blog

Valley Forge – 1776

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Valley Forge Time TravelOn a recent visit to Valley Forge, a low funk wended its way over the snow and cut through the cold. “Firecake farts,” my companion whispered. He’d been here before. Firecakes were half burnt flour and water. It was all the troops had to eat. General Washington’s speech was something to behold. “But keep back from that breath,” I was warned.

All these little details, lost to history.

Posted in Blog, The Past, Vignettes

Back to the Future Date

Back to the Future DateThe “Future Day”  hoax currently making the rounds can be confusing in that it isn’t an actual hoax, but rather appears to be a case of information slippage from a nearby timeline. In this present timeline (Q42), the date Marty McFly travels forward to is  October 21, 2015. However, in the timeline in which Eric Stotlz played Marty McFly, (Q41) the date is June 27th 2015.

Exactly how the date  slipped into this present is unknown, but occasionally Chinese bootlegs from alternate timelines do manage to make there way here. How the year was changed to 2012, however, is probably a matter of impatience and the unrealistic expectation that Mattel will soon be releasing a Hoverboard. That Hoverboard is never coming.

This may be disappointing, but for those of you who dwell only in this timeline, however, you can look forward to seeing a good 20 minutes of Eric Stoltz footage on the 2015 Blu-Ray re-release, which is great fun and not unlike visiting an alternate history.

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Posted in The Future

Top 10 Movie Lines from Alternate Realilties

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One of the great pleasures of visiting other timelines is you get to see your favorite films again, and enjoy them for the different perspective. Even people who don’t time travel may know many scenes in Back to the Future were filmed with Eric Stoltz before he was replaced by Michael J. Fox. In timeline Q45 you can see the complete Eric Stoltz version. The script is mostly the same, though one of the most famous lines, “You built a time machine… out of a DeLorean?” has been inexplicably truncated to “You built a time machine?”

However, many movies have interesting variations on the famous lines you know and in that spirit, we present the top ten list of the best movie quotes from the multiverse. They are, of course, subject to change.

10.)from Timeline Q121:H1981, in which  time travel is a plot element in the Star Wars films:
“Luke, you are my father.”
– The Empire Strikes Back

9.) - from Timeline R11:H1933, where people are extremely safety-conscious:
“Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a state law.”
- All About Eve

8.) - from Timeline Q42:NE1931, where Soylent Green is slightly more disturbed:
“Soylent Green is delicious!”
– Soylent Green

7.) – from Timeline Q56:NOP2002, a timeline in which proper labeling is taken very seriously:
“My momma always said, ‘Life is like a box of chocolates. You always know exactly what you’re gonna get.”
- Forest Gump

6.)from Timeline Q12:ZZ1994, in which Rene Zelwigger starred in several classic films of the 1930′s:
“You complete me.”
- Bride of Frankenstein

5.) - from Timeline R01:NZ1933, where the Hindenburg disaster never occurred:
“You’re gonna need a bigger blimp.”
- Jaws

4.) - from Timeline Q12:H1849, in which classical and operant conditioning battle for supremacy:
Teacher says every time a bell rings, a dog salivates.”
- It’s a Wonderful Life: The Ivan Pavlov Story

3.) – from Timeline Q121:H1981, which has an inordinate number of twins:
“Nobody puts babies in a corner.”
- Dirty Daycare

2.) – also from Timeline Q121:H1981, with its inordinate number of twins:
“There can be only two.”
- The Highlanders

1.) – from Timeline Q92:H1611, a more agricultural timeline than most:
“Open the barn doors, Hal.”
- 2001: A Space Odyssey


 

 



 

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Posted in Blog, Feature

A Note About Alan Turing

The coroner wished it to be a suicide, and pronounced it so. On his word, Alan Turing’s apple went untested  for  cyanide. They say he applied to it to bring about his own, death, eating a poison apple like Snow White. Only Snow White didn’t die, nor was she persecuted for being gay.

In passing years, the legend of it would grow, at first to diminish him, then to recast Alan Turing as a martyr. Yet despite all he endured, he appear happy in his last days, left no note or indication he might intend to kill himself. An IUTT representative sent back to claim the apple failed to locate it. Another attempted to interview Dr. Turing to ascertain his state of mind, came back, and report he seemed well. But this teaches us nothing.

Spencer Fox (member Q42:HOP:7921)took the extra step of leaving Dr. Turing a note imploring him not to kill himself, but it had no effect on the outcome. It remains to be seen if the note went ignored, spurred the doctor on, or had no effect because his death was an accident. When Fox looped back again he entered the home, but was too late. This caused all sorts of trouble by spawning a new timeline in which Dr. Turing’s home was broken into on the night of his death, leading to all sorts of suspicion and a banning of Spencer Fox from the timeline — though not before he went back to the day before and flat our asked Dr. Turing if he planned on killing himself. Dr. Turing offered Fox a few pence and pointed him towards the nearest asylum.

If there is a takeaway here, its that you need to remember that one can only study history so closely before one interferes with it.

 

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Posted in The Past

Father’s Day Advice for Time Travelers

Many fathers are a mystery. Father’s Day is often used by Time Travelers to go back in time, and learn more about their own fathers. Watching your dad nervously hold you as a baby, or harshly interrogate your prom date while you are upstairs teasing your feathered hair are are priceless moments that beg to be explored. It is also tempting to try to make little adjustments. Maybe you will even get him to say “I love you” this time around. That would be great! But maybe you won’t….

Here are some things you might want to keep in mind when you visit your dad:

Father’s Day is not for vengeance.

Great catharsis can be found in going back in time and yelling at your dad. Dr. Henrietta May has built a career around it. But keep in mind if you succeed in illuminating your father about just what a terrible job he has done before he has done it, he may not do such a terrible job at all. You could spawn a whole timeline with a much better dad and a you that travels back to the same branching point and wants to know why you’re yelling at dad.

Things may not be how you remember, or what you were told.

You may remember your dad as an overworked provider, only to travel back and find him in a phone booth at a Hooters, telling your mom he has to work late. Or you could sit in the stands behind him at your little league game while you play second base and find that between yelling “Atta Boy”, he is muttering words like like “disappointment” and “faggy”. You might find your dad in line for Star Trek II and be troubled to find the cheap-looking Vulcan girl he is with isn’t your mother… or that she is.

Also keep in mind the ‘Objects in Mirror’ effect. Your dad may not seem as tall, as funny, or even as frightening as you remember. That kind of disappointment sticks with you.

You might accidentally kill him.

Killing your dad is a terrible way to celebrate Father’s Day.

You might prepare for weeks to find your dad at Jeffrey’s Bay so you can surf with him in his prime, only to distract him when that big wave comes. You could simply give him a heart attack when we realizes you are from the future.

You won’t pop out of existence, though you will create a timeline in which you will never be. Your mom won’t be happy about that. Or worse, she will, and you’ll have to deal with a “Reverse Stewart” in which you realize things really would be better if you’d never been born.

Your kid might be trying to visit you.

While you pop back on Father’s Day to visit your dad on a Father’s Day long ago, one or more of your kids might be trying to visit you. Try to keep the ironic time travel to a minimum.

 

 

 

Posted in Blog