Back to the Future Date

Back to the Future DateThe “Future Day”  hoax currently making the rounds can be confusing in that it isn’t an actual hoax, but rather appears to be a case of information slippage from a nearby timeline. In this present timeline (Q42), the date Marty McFly travels forward to is  October 21, 2015. However, in the timeline in which Eric Stotlz played Marty McFly, (Q41) the date is June 27th 2015.

Exactly how the date  slipped into this present is unknown, but occasionally Chinese bootlegs from alternate timelines do manage to make there way here. How the year was changed to 2012, however, is probably a matter of impatience and the unrealistic expectation that Mattel will soon be releasing a Hoverboard. That Hoverboard is never coming.

This may be disappointing, but for those of you who dwell only in this timeline, however, you can look forward to seeing a good 20 minutes of Eric Stoltz footage on the 2015 Blu-Ray re-release, which is great fun and not unlike visiting an alternate history.

Top 10 Movie Lines from Alternate Realilties

One of the great pleasures of visiting other timelines is you get to see your favorite films again, and enjoy them for the different perspective. Even people who don’t time travel may know many scenes in Back to the Future were filmed with Eric Stoltz before he was replaced by Michael J. Fox. In timeline Q45 you can see the complete Eric Stoltz version. The script is mostly the same, though one of the most famous lines, “You built a time machine… out of a DeLorean?” has been inexplicably truncated to “You built a time machine?”

However, many movies have interesting variations on the famous lines you know and in that spirit, we present the top ten list of the best movie quotes from the multiverse. They are, of course, subject to change.

10.)from Timeline Q121:H1981, in which  time travel is a plot element in the Star Wars films:
“Luke, you are my father.”
– The Empire Strikes Back

9.) from Timeline R11:H1933, where people are extremely safety-conscious:
“Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a state law.”
– All About Eve

8.) from Timeline Q42:NE1931, where Soylent Green is slightly more disturbed:
“Soylent Green is delicious!”
– Soylent Green

7.) – from Timeline Q56:NOP2002, a timeline in which proper labeling is taken very seriously:
“My momma always said, ‘Life is like a box of chocolates. You always know exactly what you’re gonna get.”
– Forest Gump

6.)from Timeline Q12:ZZ1994, in which Rene Zelwigger starred in several classic films of the 1930’s:
“You complete me.”
– Bride of Frankenstein

5.) from Timeline R01:NZ1933, where the Hindenburg disaster never occurred:
“You’re gonna need a bigger blimp.”
– Jaws

4.) from Timeline Q12:H1849, in which classical and operant conditioning battle for supremacy:
Teacher says every time a bell rings, a dog salivates.”
– It’s a Wonderful Life: The Ivan Pavlov Story

3.) – from Timeline Q121:H1981, which has an inordinate number of twins:
“Nobody puts babies in a corner.”
– Dirty Daycare

2.) – also from Timeline Q121:H1981, with its inordinate number of twins:
“There can be only two.”
– The Highlanders

1.) – from Timeline Q92:H1611, a more agricultural timeline than most:
“Open the barn doors, Hal.”
– 2001: A Space Odyssey




A Note About Alan Turing

The coroner wished it to be a suicide, and pronounced it so. On his word, Alan Turing’s apple went untested  for  cyanide. They say he applied to it to bring about his own, death, eating a poison apple like Snow White. Only Snow White didn’t die, nor was she persecuted for being gay.

In passing years, the legend of it would grow, at first to diminish him, then to recast Alan Turing as a martyr. Yet despite all he endured, he appear happy in his last days, left no note or indication he might intend to kill himself. An IUTT representative sent back to claim the apple failed to locate it. Another attempted to interview Dr. Turing to ascertain his state of mind, came back, and report he seemed well. But this teaches us nothing.

Spencer Fox (member Q42:HOP:7921)took the extra step of leaving Dr. Turing a note imploring him not to kill himself, but it had no effect on the outcome. It remains to be seen if the note went ignored, spurred the doctor on, or had no effect because his death was an accident. When Fox looped back again he entered the home, but was too late. This caused all sorts of trouble by spawning a new timeline in which Dr. Turing’s home was broken into on the night of his death, leading to all sorts of suspicion and a banning of Spencer Fox from the timeline — though not before he went back to the day before and flat our asked Dr. Turing if he planned on killing himself. Dr. Turing offered Fox a few pence and pointed him towards the nearest asylum.

If there is a takeaway here, its that you need to remember that one can only study history so closely before one interferes with it.


Father’s Day Advice for Time Travelers

Many fathers are a mystery. Father’s Day is often used by Time Travelers to go back in time, and learn more about their own fathers. Watching your dad nervously hold you as a baby, or harshly interrogate your prom date while you are upstairs teasing your feathered hair are are priceless moments that beg to be explored. It is also tempting to try to make little adjustments. Maybe you will even get him to say “I love you” this time around. That would be great! But maybe you won’t….

Here are some things you might want to keep in mind when you visit your dad:

Father’s Day is not for vengeance.

Great catharsis can be found in going back in time and yelling at your dad. Dr. Henrietta May has built a career around it. But keep in mind if you succeed in illuminating your father about just what a terrible job he has done before he has done it, he may not do such a terrible job at all. You could spawn a whole timeline with a much better dad and a you that travels back to the same branching point and wants to know why you’re yelling at dad.

Things may not be how you remember, or what you were told.

You may remember your dad as an overworked provider, only to travel back and find him in a phone booth at a Hooters, telling your mom he has to work late. Or you could sit in the stands behind him at your little league game while you play second base and find that between yelling “Atta Boy”, he is muttering words like like “disappointment” and “faggy”. You might find your dad in line for Star Trek II and be troubled to find the cheap-looking Vulcan girl he is with isn’t your mother… or that she is.

Also keep in mind the ‘Objects in Mirror’ effect. Your dad may not seem as tall, as funny, or even as frightening as you remember. That kind of disappointment sticks with you.

You might accidentally kill him.

Killing your dad is a terrible way to celebrate Father’s Day.

You might prepare for weeks to find your dad at Jeffrey’s Bay so you can surf with him in his prime, only to distract him when that big wave comes. You could simply give him a heart attack when we realizes you are from the future.

You won’t pop out of existence, though you will create a timeline in which you will never be. Your mom won’t be happy about that. Or worse, she will, and you’ll have to deal with a “Reverse Stewart” in which you realize things really would be better if you’d never been born.

Your kid might be trying to visit you.

While you pop back on Father’s Day to visit your dad on a Father’s Day long ago, one or more of your kids might be trying to visit you. Try to keep the ironic time travel to a minimum.




Wishy-Washiness Spawns Timelines!

A number of new members have noted items gone missing, or, more frequently, turning up in odd places. There is misplacing your keys, and then there is finding them frozen in a friend’s ice-cube tray. While this could be the symptom of simple drunken idiocy, it could also be a symptom that you’ve briefly crossed through a timeline in which the drunken idiot was an alternate version of you. You may have suffered his or her consequences while she or he has reaped your sober rewards.

While anyone can inadvertently cross into a similar timeline (a tree with an extra leaf, a misremembered quote from Shakespeare), Time Travelers are more prone to these slips into nearly identical parallel realities. The easiest way to protect yourself from this sort of issue is to be firm in your resolve to be either sober or drunk. Remember, wishy-washiness spawns timelines.

M19-M21 Off-limits Until Further Notice

The M19-M21 timelines are again off-limits throughout North America until further notice, unless you are doing research on extreme climate change. You should conclude your research as soon as possible, be licensed to drive a double-wide or triple-wide S.U.V. vehicle and should not expect to find a parking spot.  Further, you will need to manage attacks by radioactive Texas boar-hounds,  preposterously corpulent looters and, of course, more super-tornadoes.

Have cigars and/or clean drinking water on hand for bribes. As always, when working in an M divergent, a knowledge of creationist theory and climate change denial is essential.

Press to Time Travel

The street artist known as “Sticker Lady” had been arrested in Singapore for converting walk-signal buttons into time machines by means of ingenuous stickers reading  “Press to Time Travel.”

The police have stated they “take a serious view of such irresponsible actions” and the International Union of Time Travelers must agree. Without additional information on when and how one is to travel, a device like this is likely to leave a pedestrian stranded under under the rule of the Majapahit Empire, when she or he meant only to safely cross the street for a Mountain Dew.

A Report From Commander Octopus

Commander Octopus* has filed a report from 2114  letting us know the ice caps are gone and the oceans have engulfed most of the earth. He was quite gleeful about it; he does love the sea.

He is in divergent Q39:NZP2109…, just a few degrees from here. No firm report on this timeline, but he did strongly recommend PADI dive certification for any Union members interested traveling forward beyond 2099.


*his chosen name. He is human, for those who haven’t met him.

Dwelling on the Past is Not the Same as Dwelling in It

Stafford Brent’s time travel license has been suspended for 6 months while he is being treated for retronausea.

Stafford returned to Oxford more than a dozen times before we made him stop. Each trip made him a little sicker. Each trip brought his youth so near he could almost taste it.

His younger self  grew troubled by the lurking figures — men he thought might be identical triplet brothers. He thought they resembled his uncle. But if he had identical triplet uncles, surely someone would have mentioned it to him. In his present, the cricket season is wet and each splendid play he makes is accompanied by a cheers from three men that do not belong.

He spotted these men — these triplets — peering out from behind the trees surrounding the pitch, the corner of the field-house, or once, on top of the clock tower with binoculars. He’s seen three of them at once, on different corners of the field. Triplets. He can’t imagine there are more, but in fact there were five Stafford’s lurking about at one point, craving one more moment of the glory of his/their youth.

On a date with beautiful South American girl named Alicia, the young Stafford felt like he had been followed. Every happy moment is soured by these men who insist on watching him. These uncles of his are not nearly as clever as they think they are. He can’t enjoy his youth with is older self watching. The older Stafford has blundered into existence a whole new timeline in which his younger self can experience none of the older man’s joy. The very moments the older man keeps popping back to enjoy are ruined. This Stafford will never return to relive his youth, because his youth was spoiled by his own future creepiness leading him to be a better man.


Safety Not Guaranteed

It is hard for a Time Traveler not to look at time travel movies without some measure of amusement. If the film is a comedy, this is as it should be. Safety Not Guaranteed is a comedy and after seeing it, you may feel the urge to loop back and compare the film to what unfolded back in 1997. The movie is worth seeing. The reality isn’t. The reality involves a lot of sad letters and no time travel at all. Both are based on this classified ad:

The actual classified ad was merely a joke — or intended as one. John Silveira (who has not, according to our records, time-traveled) was filling space in Backwoods Home magazine. He describes why he wrote what he did, and the response to his ad, in a very clear and slightly heart-rending article. It is worth reading, though I would caution members of the union against trying this themselves for reasons I hope are obvious.

I can’t review the film, because to do so would invariably require me to comment on the specific accuracy of its time travel model (or whether it exists at all), and that would give too much away. However, I can suggest you see it since it is in the general interest of time travel and reflects well upon the union.